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  • Brendan Boyce

Explosive Diarrhea, Food Poisoning, Or Business As Usual?

Over the past two weeks, many students have come out to accuse Sodexo of giving them food poisoning, which begs the question, have we all gotten food poisoning from the dining hall food? We’ve all had our stomach churning in the middle of a lecture, thrown up full pieces of chicken nuggets, and woken up in the morning covered in our own shit, but is that food poisoning, or just a part of the charm of attending Binghamton University? Maybe it’s food poisoning, or maybe it’s early onset irritable bowel syndrome. If you can’t prove it in court, then Sodexo will tell you to fuck right off!

I for one, have no complaints with the food from Sodexo, because it’s the same food I ate in prison when I was locked up for vehicular homicide. I even got a tapeworm from the taco line at App, which certainly helped me not gain that darn freshman fifteen! Sometimes, you just have to look on the bright side. The general physical and mental distress that comes with eating dining hall food is a nice reminder that life isn’t fair, and we’re all gonna die someday. Your great-great-great grandparents didn’t complain when they were dying of dysentery, now did they? So stop your fucking complaining, and stoically shit out that baked bean burrito you had for lunch on the floor like the rest of us.

The fact that Sodexo doesn’t give me enough money for an entire semester of food is a great way to learn how to balance a budget, and a nice reminder that I should switch to a STEM major, because being poor sucks! If you have any problems with the food from Sodexo, you can always call their office, even though they’ll never answer.

If you’d like to support Sodexo’s staff and CEO, then come on out to their very own cockfighting fundraising event! Make friends, experience the community, and gamble on which genetically modified chicken you think will win the prize of not being slaughtered today!

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