The Binghamton BUTT’s own advice column. It’s like Dear Doris in Pipe Dream except my typos are intentional.
Dear David: I am a freshman and journalism is my passion. All I want is to provide readers with completely unbiased information. I love meticulously researching everything I write before I publish it to make sure it is credible. Since coming to Binghamton, I have been looking for news publications who are just as concerned as I am about making sure the news is reported accurately and honestly without any personal bias one way or the other. Do you know of anything in Binghamton like that?
Signed, An up-and-coming Journalist
Dear Up-and-coming,
Many students are in the same boat you are. But until some unbiased and completely credible news publication like the one you say you would want to report for springs up on campus, you are just going to have to wait. Or you can found one on your own.
Best,
David
Dear David: Orgo is really whooping my ass. I have always seen myself earning as high a salary as a doctor one day, but did not realize how much doctors studied in college. Do you have any tips for improving my grades this semester?
Signed, Likely to Fail My Midterm
Dear Likely to Fail,
Have you ever thought about becoming a psychology major?
Best,
David
Dear David: My little sister has me worried. She never goes a second without her iPad. God knows what she’s watching because whenever I ask her, she only ever responds with either “Ohio,” or “skibbidi toilet.” She’s failing all of her classes so my parents are naturally furious with her, and it's causing a lot of tension around the house. Is there any way I can get through to my sister and help her overcome this?
Signed, Concerned Older Sibling
Dear Sibling,
Anyone born after 2003 is already too far gone. Once AI makes enough advances you might be able to generate another sibling using the cloud, anyway. It’s time you and your family moved on.
Best,
David
Dear David: As a graduating senior, I want to make my mark on this place and give back to the university that has given me so much. So starting when I was a freshman, I’ve been saving a penny a day in hopes of donating it all to the University and have since accumulated thirteen dollars and seventy cents. How should I ask the University to use my donation? What would make the greatest impact?
Signed, Potential Donor
Dear Potential Donor,
Two years ago, an anonymous billionaire donated sixty-million dollars to Binghamton toward building a baseball stadium. Do you really think our Dean or anyone on our university’s board for that matter would even notice your measly donation? They would laugh in your face. Don’t even bother donating.
Best,
David