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  • David Belkin

Dear David - Second Edition



The Binghamton BUTT’s own advice column. It’s like Dear Doris in Pipe Dream except my typos are intentional. 


Dear David: I am a freshman and journalism is my passion. All I want is to provide readers  with completely unbiased information. I love meticulously researching everything I write  before I publish it to make sure it is credible. Since coming to Binghamton, I have been  looking for news publications who are just as concerned as I am about making sure the  news is reported accurately and honestly without any personal bias one way or the other.  Do you know of anything in Binghamton like that? 

Signed, An up-and-coming Journalist 


Dear Up-and-coming, 

Many students are in the same boat you are. But until some unbiased and completely credible  news publication like the one you say you would want to report for springs up on campus, you  are just going to have to wait. Or you can found one on your own. 

Best, 

David


Dear David: Orgo is really whooping my ass. I have always seen myself earning as high a  salary as a doctor one day, but did not realize how much doctors studied in college. Do you  have any tips for improving my grades this semester? 

Signed, Likely to Fail My Midterm 


Dear Likely to Fail, 

Have you ever thought about becoming a psychology major? 

Best, 

David


Dear David: My little sister has me worried. She never goes a second without her iPad. God  knows what she’s watching because whenever I ask her, she only ever responds with either  “Ohio,” or “skibbidi toilet.” She’s failing all of her classes so my parents are naturally  furious with her, and it's causing a lot of tension around the house. Is there any way I can  get through to my sister and help her overcome this? 

Signed, Concerned Older Sibling 


Dear Sibling, 

Anyone born after 2003 is already too far gone. Once AI makes enough advances you might be  able to generate another sibling using the cloud, anyway. It’s time you and your family moved  on. 

Best, 

David 


Dear David: As a graduating senior, I want to make my mark on this place and give back to  the university that has given me so much. So starting when I was a freshman, I’ve been  saving a penny a day in hopes of donating it all to the University and have since  accumulated thirteen dollars and seventy cents. How should I ask the University to use my  donation? What would make the greatest impact? 

Signed, Potential Donor 


Dear Potential Donor, 

Two years ago, an anonymous billionaire donated sixty-million dollars to Binghamton toward  building a baseball stadium. Do you really think our Dean or anyone on our university’s board  for that matter would even notice your measly donation? They would laugh in your face. Don’t  even bother donating. 

Best, 

David






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