- Sam Wheeler
"Damn, this place is a shithole”: CCP Releases First Statement Following S. Carolina Balloon Fiasco
The Chinese Communist Party has just released an official report following the recent controversy regarding their so-called “weather” balloon’s breach into US and Canadian airspace. The balloon, which first entered US airspace in late January over Alaska, made its way down to the contiguous U.S. across several states including Montana, South Dakota, Nebraska, and Missouri before finally being shot down by an F-22 on February 4th over South Carolina. The report, which is 1,000 pages long, includes a 500-page complaint over the US’s downing of the balloon, a 250-page treatise on why China should totally be given the balloon back because it was theirs in the first place, and a 200-page itemized receipt listing the components of the balloon in the event that the US does not return it.
`The US has thus far refrained from commenting on the situation aside from a brief statement regarding ownership of the balloon: following an unofficial inquiry from CCP officials asking for the return of debris recovered from the incident, Secretary of State Anthony Blinken simply responded with a Morse code transmission to Beijing that said “finders keepers.” Surprisingly, the actual details of the balloon's findings only take up 50 pages of the thousand-page-long report. We here at the BUTT have secured a copy of the report and have summarized its findings for you.
After a lengthy preamble on the mission statement emphasizing its peaceful and weather-data-collecting nature, the report launches into a compilation of recorded data and transcripts from balloon operator testimonies. Working with our resident China Affairs expert and a knowledgeable translator, we have managed to decipher a few excerpts as follows:
“I’m so fucking bored, it’s literally just grass pasture after grass pasture... Hang on a minute, look at this camera feed, is that a nuclear sil- Never mind, it’s just a fucking cow.”
“Hey captain come take a look at this, I think I may have spotted an army base… zooming in now… Yes! See those single-story barracks, that must be it… Oh my, that officer looks awfully drunk, doesn’t he… Wait, is he throwing a fucking beer bottle at us? GOD DAMMIT IT’S ANOTHER TRAILER PARK.”
“I have a military transport vehicle in my sights. It appears to be carrying munitions to the nearby [REDACTED] military base. Wait… is that a mobile house with hundreds of American assault rifles strapped to the top of it?
“Oh my god… Are those two people actually fucking in a massive pile of shit? Please don’t tell me those two are actually ‘doing it’ on top of a giant manure heap. That is… nasty…
Please, just let me go home… I can’t take it anymore… If I have to see ONE MORE FUCKING COW, I WILL PERSONALLY REMOTE CONTROL THIS GASBAG STRAIGHT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN…
The rest of the testimonies follow a similar tone, one of brimming excitement at the prospect of discovering US military secrets followed by abject disappointment upon realizing that middle America is, in fact, the empty and desolate hellscape that the rest of America has described it to be all along. In a rare moment of transparency, the report also contains candid comments made by top CCP officials upon their review of the data, including a blunt and unceremonious comment made by General Secretary Xi Jinping himself: “Damn, Montana’s a shithole.”