• Brendan Boyce

Conservative Student's Toes Unfairly Targeted by Professor's Woke "Progressive Stubbing" Policy



Earlier this week, a forgettable looking white guy named Peter Levinson stubbed his toe in his sociology class and proceeded to storm out of the room after screaming out a tirade about how the leftist woke mob didn’t want white people to have toes. He immediately raced to his local Fox News station, where they ate up all of his bullshit, and proceeded to completely destroy all of the liberals with facts, instead of using stupid liberal emotions.


There was a section in the class syllabus that read, “If you stub your toe and you’re white, don’t make a super big deal out of it, because nobody really cares.” Apparently, this was an infringement of his personal feelings, and the constitution maybe.

His statement claimed that “White privilege isn’t real. Yes, I am studying economics and will work for my dad's finance firm due to pure nepotism, but that isn’t because I’m white, but because I’m better than you. Everyone thinks I look like some dumb frat-guy, just because I am some dumb frat-guy, but they should be treating me better, I’m white and rich after all.”


Binghamton University quietly took the “Progressive Stubbing” section out of the professor's syllabus, because the student’s dad recently gave a 60 million dollar grant to the University so they could build a baseball stadium nobody asked for.

The professor of the class is now getting death threats from Facebook boomers for tarnishing academia by pushing a postmodern pro-Marxist cultural takeover of Western values through identity politics. Not to be racist… but… I mean, how could she put something like that in her syllabus. Whenever I stub my toe, I feel the patriarchal urge to throw a temper tantrum and complain to my nearest right leaning news source.


The tension culminated in a protest on The Spine, which devolved into people hitting each other with signs. It was very enjoyable to watch. The real lesson to be learned is if you’re extremely racist, like me, probably take something other than sociology to fill out your gen eds. If anyone has any complaints about being discriminated against on campus for being white, please contact the BUTT, and we will gladly write an entire article making fun of you.


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