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  • Emily Newman

Conservative Student Org. Speaks Out Against Pronouns: “No Longer Have Place in Democracy”

Concerned with what they view as unjust regulation on their 1st Amendment rights, right-leaning campus activism group Binghamton Students for American Freedom (BSAF) has begun a university-wide campaign encouraging their fellow students not to “play the pronoun game.” As their widely distributed flyers put it, “don’t let the woke crowd intimidate–free self of unnecessary words.” Founder and lead organizer of BSAF Otis Crimination laid out his rationale for the anti-pronoun movement in a speech delivered on the Peace Quad yesterday, cautioning that “gender pronouns are getting out of control. People cannot keep creating more and more gender pronouns out of thin air and expect the rest of America to keep up.”

Evidently, as a less-than-pleased crowd gathered around a BSAF information booth during this past club fair, Crimination was confronted by an unidentified individual. When a google search revealed what this person had told him to be correct–that pronouns didn’t only refer to gender but also included such innocuous-seeming words as “I,” “you,” and “me”--Crimination began to rethink his group’s entire strategy. In yesterday’s speech, Crimination further went on to decry pronoun usage as a whole: “BSAF is advocating that students at the University stop using any and all pronouns, because the woke mob infecting Binghamton’s campus cannot be given even an inch.”

Removing all pronouns from speech has been difficult both for BSAF members as well as people adjacent to the organization. Crimination knew how difficult it would be to change the way an entire college campus used language, especially because of how normalized pronoun usage has become, but is still leading the initiative nonetheless. Many BSAF members have enthusiastically embraced this new way of speaking, even if it takes a bit of getting used to. Even Crimination’s roommate, Michael Feresten, has reportedly been struggling to refer to him using Crimination’s preferred lack-of-pronouns. “I don’t really understand it,” says Feresten. “Sometimes I have to be reminded. But when Otis reminds me, he’s never mean about it. It’s more of a gentle nudge. Otis knows that these kinds of things take time, and that I’m learning everyday. But in the end, I do not need to fully understand everything about gender or pronouns to make sure that someone I — I mean, Michael — cares about feels comfortable sharing a dorm with … Michael. And if all Michael needs to do is change how Michael talks in order to make the dorm a more inclusive, safe space where Otis can feel comfortable and heard, why shouldn’t Michael?”

Hoping to capitalize off the exposure following the anti-pronoun initiative, BSAF had begun planning a fundraiser movie night for $3 admission. However, these efforts were unfortunately scrapped following widespread confusion as the Stephen King movie being shown at the fundraiser was referred to as “Evil, Shapeshifting Clown.” Moreover, several informational videos required for new BSAF members to watch have been posted online, but students interested in the organization are having trouble accessing PersonTube.

At press time, Crimination had reportedly checked himself into Decker Health Services after incurring severe carpal tunnel syndrome during his 17th-Century Monarchs of Africa class. Evidently, Criminations’ aversion to pronoun usage had left him to refer to King Andriantsimitoviaminandriandehibe of Imerina several times by name as part of a handwritten essay exam.

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