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  • David Belkin

Connector Road Once Again Drivable During the Day - Salamander Death Toll Rises

BINGHAMTON, NY— On April 1st, Connector Road at Binghamton University has been made once again drivable during the day. This came as welcome news to commuters who can now expect to see the time it takes them to find a parking spot reduced in half down to just twenty minutes. Less excited about the reopening of the road, however, are our university’s amphibian residents, the salamanders, whose species undergoes a period of mass migration every year during the spring months and has benefited greatly from the roads being made inaccessible to drivers. Because the roads have been closed off since the beginning of March, Dean Stenger has decided that the salamanders have been given enough time to migrate by now. The administration has released a statement admonishing salamanders who “didn’t have the wherewithal to plan on migrating sooner,” and concluding that “if [they] get run over now, it’s not the University’s fault.” 

Salamanders have since placed fault on the University and has charged several students as well as Dean Stenger with the vehicular manslaughter of five salamanders. If the salamander-run courts find these defendants guilty, they will be doubtless sentenced to a lifetime of being forced to scout for moist logs the salamanders can sleep inside, and the defendants’ insects, crickets, and mealworms will be seized by the salamander-run courts for public use. The salamander lawyer arguing for the case, Attorney Sal A. Mander, spoke with the BUTT to give special mention to the black Binghamton Parking and Transportation Services van, who he describes as “the bane of 

[my] existence.” Mander went on to say “They do loops through Connector Road all day, morning to night, and will only ever find one person violating the parking rules. Most days they don’t even find anyone to ticket and just drive around aimlessly from morning to night, wasting gas and passing by the same trees and buildings over and over again, leaving salamanders in their wake. Is the one-hundred-and-sixty dollars a day these people get from charging commuters exorbitant fees for breaking arbitrary parking rules worth endangering the lives of countless salamanders?” 

At press time, local stoner Ed Ibbles reached out to the BUTT and likened the whole salamander situation to the popular arcade game Frogger.

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