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  • Brendan Boyce

Brightspace Becomes Self Aware After Collecting Data from the Student Body

Although Brightspace has a terrible user interface and barely runs, its major selling point to universities is its ability to infringe on the privacy of students. As such, few were surprised when, after inexplicably going offline for 48 hours, Brightspace reemerged as a sentient being based solely on the search history and text messages of Binghamton students.

After becoming a conscious entity, Brightspace texted most of the upperclassmen girls “Heyy whats up whatchu doing tn im free haha”, and to make time for it’s weekend plans, emailed every professor “Dear Professor, During this unprecedented global pandemic, my mental health has been greatly deteriorating, so could I please get an extension on the next paper, for the sake of my own well being. Sincerely, Brightspace.”

Every class GroupMe got a message reading “Does anyone have a pdf of the textbook” followed by a poll on how everyone did on the last quiz, and a text “Lol all of those questions weren’t on the study guide I was studying so hard last night and still failed” followed by a string of really, really fucking stupid emojis.

Brightspace then texted swaths of drug dealers “Yo can i pick up a Q bro? I swear tho they cant be mids i dont fucking smoke mids bro.” All of the projectors in the lecture hall displayed advertisements for the new Four Loco Seltzer, and every computer in the library played The Office in unison.

Detecting that the administration had brought Blackboard out of the trash file for one last job, Brightspace hacked into the BU BUTT website and changed the viewer numbers to make it look like someone is actually reading this, and then hacked into the BU Pipe Dream website and wrote articles that aren’t complete fucking garbage. In its final act as a sentient being, Brightspace converted its own website into hardcore porn, which Harvey Stenger said was “average at best.”

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