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Bottom-of-Class SOM Student Announces He Won’t Be Working At Goldman Sachs This Fall



After 3 long years of 25 hour work weeks, 16+ credit semesters, and up to 4 homework assignments per week, Long Island native SOM student Ethan Longata has announced to his peers that he is applying to summer internships in a lengthy LinkedIn post laced with misspellings.


Replacing simple words for ones he found by Googling synonyms, he explicated his desire to supply his high-value labor to the lucky finance firm that finds him. Longata also revealed to the world that he wants to make an impact on the world that will also make him money. For this reason, he decided not to apply to Goldman Sachs due to his concerns over the company’s unethical influence on private companies and government agents to prioritize profits over secondary focuses like child labor laws or healthcare.


Is he delusional for thinking Goldman Sachs would read the 3.5 GPA students’ 7 like LinkedIn rant? Yes, say the three female students in his comments, surprised that he now cares so deeply about social issues. “Didn’t you hit a deer with your Hummer on your way back from the 2 hour round trip drive to Syracuse that you made with your boys to get Chick Fil A?” asked Julia Ganaldi, Staten Island Economics major. “Yeah, and didn’t Jake post a video on his snapchat story of you saying you’d kill a gay person for that sandwich?” added graphic design major Joanna Rubinstein.


Longata has declined to respond to these comments. Many believe this is because Thursday was the last time he’d logged into LinkedIn this semester. Some speculate it will be the last time he will be seen on the platform, until his fraternity brothers tell him they can’t go to Cancun with him during winter break because of their internships.


Ethan was last seen yelling racial slurs at virtual basketball players after poorly timing 3 pointers in NBA 2K22. An update on Longata’s employment status can be seen on his nearly inactive LinkedIn page. His description says entrepreneur, but the only business decision he has made in the past 3 years was to sign his grandma’s will.


Longata will likely next be seen in a hedge fund run by a friend of his father, if he chooses to work at all after graduating.


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