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  • Max Lieber

Bartle Library Bridge Smokers Upset After Local Bridge Troll Institutes Smoking Tax

A large smelly creature who identifies himself as "Droog" has frequently been sighted patrolling the bridge to Bartle Library that is across from the Lecture Hall building. Several students have reportedly been harassed by this troll, who insists that the bridge is his rightful home. It is believed that he has implemented a "Smoking Tax", mainly directed at the students who smoke at a popular spot in front of Bartle Library.

The specific spot in question is the corner that sits right beside the East entrance to Bartle Library. This location has been a notorious meeting place for campus smokers to congregate and socialize. Many students who call the spot their favorite place to smoke on campus say it's totally hidden while at the same being in full view of everyone.

Matthew Tollander, SOM major and self-proclaimed “nic-enthusiast”, expressed his unhappiness regarding the situation: “[That spot] used to be the best place to take a load off in between classes. When that asshole took it over, he ruined it for everyone. Now every time you’re in the middle of trying to relax, that motherfucker will just jump you out of nowhere and start yelling about his stupid ‘toll’”.

The troll, on the other hand, who has only recently made his presence known, calls the bridge “his home”:

"If ye want te stink up me bridge with yer smoke, then yer gonna hafta pay me toll!"

the troll said with a mischievous grin. “All ye lads and lassies who think yer gettin’ away with dat better think twice befer I eat ye fer dinner!”

According to Droog, any student who decides to smoke either on, near, or under the bridge over the parking lot on the East side of Bartle must pay at least “one gold doubloon” as a daily tribute. The troll will also accept the carcasses of dead animals found in the nature preserve. It is unclear if the troll has decided to enforce this tax of his own volition, or if he is working with the University to support the campus wide No-Smoking Policy.

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