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  • Andrew Schiller

Which Are the Best Paint Flavors to Enjoy as a Nice Snack? (RIP Grandpa)


BINGHAMTON, NY – Readers, for once, I have to be honest with you: I would not consider paint my first choice of snack. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I don’t think many of you would either. I can’t, however, say that for one Bobby Stein. Stein received the epithet “Paint Grandpa” in February 2019 when he ate paint thinking it was yogurt. He went on to become an internet sensation and a leave a permanent mark on internet history. Just this June, Stein passed away from unrelated causes. This was a sad death for many, but can we just step back for a second? Obviously, Stein tasted the paint and thought, “Wow, this is some good yogurt. I’m going to keep eating it.” It really makes you think. Whatever the case, to celebrate Stein’s life and legacy, the BUTT will be publishing several paint-themed articles. Today, I’ll be telling you the flavors of paint that you should be gunning for if, like Stein, you’re hankering for a refreshing and highly viscous liquid to eat. I’ll be going from worst to best, so grab a screwdriver and a spoon and strap in.


10. Green: Green is the color of vegetables, and vegetables are yucky. My mommy tells me that I should be eating them, but they’re yucky. Green paint reminds me of vegetables, so it’s yucky by extension.


9. Brown: Brown is the color of poop. Poop is also yucky, but unlike vegetables, poop is funny. I like to make funny jokes about poopy and Skibidi Toilet. That’s the only reason why brown paint is better than green paint.


8. Black: Sorry, my son got ahold of my keyboard for a bit. Anyway, black is just a very boring flavor. It’s commonly associated with death, and if there’s anything I don’t want to be doing while eating paint, it’s dying. This is also the flavor that is most likely to stain your teeth. Don’t test that. Please.


7. Purple: While it’s one of the more exotic flavors of paint, purple paint just isn’t very good. While it’s not the war crime that is green paint, purple paint is linked to eggplant, beets, and other vegetables and produce. Not terrible, but it’s the best bad flavor of paint.


6. White: White is the first flavor of paint that isn’t bad. Like black paint, it has a very neutral flavor, but it is more appetizing because of how similar it looks to milk, rice, coconut, and, of course, yogurt.


5 and 4. Orange and Yellow: It’s a tie! If you only have orange and yellow paint to choose between, it’s honestly up to personal preference. They are similar in taste, but they each have their own distinct hints of different foods. Orange is slightly more acidic because it reminds the eater of such fruits as orange, mango, and papaya. Yellow paint, on the other hand, is slightly more savory as it mostly resembles a cheesy substance. You can’t go wrong with either one.


3. Red: Finally, some good fucking food. Red paint is associated with a plethora of delicious and nutritious foods, such as strawberries, tomatoes, apples, raspberries, and cherries. Being compared to so many different types of fruits, red paint has a refreshing and sweet taste in the mouth.


2. Blue: While blue, like purple, is an exotic flavor of paint, it pulls its weight and more by not being a very naturally occurring color in foodstuffs. Even the blueberry, whose name is derived from the same root as blue paint, is purple when you open it and green when you peel it. Because you can’t compare blue paint to anything, and because it is such an appealing color, it is incredibly popular among the paint-eating community.


1. Pink: I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere... Imagination, life is your creation! I'm a blonde bimbo girl in a fantasy world - dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly! You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour in pink. Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky! You can touch! You can play! If you say: "I'm always yours" (ooh, oh)...

 

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