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  • Samuel "Soup" Whalen

"We Can't Afford Student Loan Forgiveness," Says University Larger Than the City Its Named After

Updated: Oct 5, 2022

Money. It's that thing that's making you depressed. It's also that thing you don't have to spend on a therapist, because now you know why you're depressed. You're welcome. Yet, whatever laughable financial problems the average young adult faces, colleges across the country are facing a crisis of their own.

Last month, President Joe Biden approved student loan forgiveness of up to $10,000 for eligible scholars. "Accounting for current students and alumni with outstanding loans, this can add up quickly", says economics major Howard Hamlin Jr.. Hamlin says loan forgiveness can put a strain on colleges all over the U.S., although it has no effect on him whatsoever, besides giving him cool economic stuff to talk about so he can sound important. "Not to mention…I'd hate to miss out on the rewarding experience of paying back the money that earned me a first class education, it will be well worth it when life is doing me good."

Howie isn't the only one suffering. His own school, Binghamton University, has experienced financial setbacks after expanding student housing to the Binghamton Zoo. "Since a few of our tigers died we've had more room in our exhibits to accommodate students looking to live off campus." Says zoo director Dwayne Johnson. The University approached the zoo with the offer back in late June and has already begun moving students into empty bear enclosures. They've even experimented with introducing a real Bearcat to keep kids company and boost school spirit. Wait. Are Bearcats even real? "What happens when you fuck around?" Laughed Johnson, before quickly snapping back to a stone face. "We've lost six freshmen."

Even after pulling in $1.5 million in parking tickets last week, Binghamton University has faced crippled finances. "We've been ticketing cars downtown, since that is a part of campus now" says president Harvey Stenger. "Between expanding and loan forgiveness, it's just a lot to Bear… Cat!" he chuckles, "I hope we can recoup this soon. I'm stressed out. I can't afford to lose any more hair. I've been gluing pubes to the top of my head."

Stop picturing that.

Will Downtown Binghamton University save this institution? Is Binghamton Univer-City a dream of the past? Howard Hamlin Jr. doesn't think so. "I am confident this will all be sorted out. These freeloading freshies think they can get away with stealing $10,000 from MY school? Not on my watch. I pay my parking tickets. I pay my tuition on time every semester with my father's life insurance money. He died for this. I pay $2,400 a month for my downtown dorm. Most importantly, I pay $800 a semester to get spanked by my frat brothers. Harvey will figure this out. He always does, and when that 90 million dollar pickleball stadium grant comes in, he will be able to give me the best education possible…and I'll take everything he's got."

Careful Howard, I hear Harvey's packing a pretty big university.

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