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  • Maxwell Maceluch

Department of Health and Human Services Proposes New “Wall of Guns” Assisted Suicide Program

Updated: Mar 31

With the recent commercialization of Canada’s now loose Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) law, many below the glorious Great White North have raised concerns regarding its ethics; namely, how unethical it is to euthanize a population that doesn’t bleed red, white, and blue. President Joe Biden has heard this public outcry and it has forced his hand to take action, something which has been considered unthinkable by most American politicians up until his marijuana-induced schemes of socialist paradise bubbled up from his primordial brain. In an attempt to acclimate citizens that may be confused or unfamiliar with MAID’s suicide booths, a new model has been constructed by the United States Department of Health and Human Services that will instantly resonate with any true proud American: a closed off room wherein a giant wall of guns will simultaneously fire off.

In the proposed model of the device, the rows of shelves that will comprise these weapon walls will house at least thirty nonspecific guns. I cannot provide any details on these firearms because looking up specific types of weaponry on school Wi-Fi got someone who was sitting with me at lunch in high school in trouble once and a staff member had to pull me aside and ask me what was up as if I knew the guy or something. Turns out he was just a little socially inept. Anyway, those that enter face about thirty barrels before the exit is sealed and their life flashes before their eyes due to the intense brightness of several guns firing directly at them all at once.

An alternate view of the “Wall of Guns”

According to anonymous sources, many hospitals across the United States have already employed similar devices. However, the dubious legality of the use of these devices makes health professionals wary about using them. Having a federally mandated program will avoid this issue, though the national plan will certainly come with some downsides: “Cocking each and every hammer each time will be a huge pain,” Nurse Practitioner Alberta Pierrepoint pointed out when a BUTT journalist was caught eating from the UHS Binghamton General Hospital medical waste disposal unit and had to come up with interview questions to ward off suspicion, “but at least cleanup will be a breeze since the wave of bullets reduces patients to mush.” states that the Wall of Guns will decrease overall human suffering, citing countless charts pulled from reliable sources such as "r/antinatalism." These same charts are now being displayed in commercials beamed across the trough of streaming services thanks to the funding of the military-industrial complex. In order to tackle the growing issue of mental health in today’s climate, board meetings are currently being held in the Hubert H. Humphrey Building to see if an ultra-booth that would encircle the entire nation in a gargantuan dome of firearms would help provide some much-needed relief.

As is the case with the American prison system, there is absolutely no foul play whatsoever that would push certain groups to end up as cogs in this particular machine. This is especially the case for people who are mentally going through it; I mean, if they’re struggling and may be uncertain about living, why not just Old Yeller’em to the nth degree? I will explore this further in my upcoming opinion piece, "Why Of Mice and Men is a Staple of Our Nation and Why We Should Be Allowed to Live That Story Out."

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