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  • Brendan Boyce

UPD Shuts Down Red Jug For Not Serving Alcohol to Minors

Late Friday night, the entire University Police Department seized all of the Red Jug’s alcohol and proceeded to get absolutely obliterated on the Dickinson quad. The Red Jug notoriously checked for fake ID’s and actually cared if they were fake, to the dismay of students, and the entire campus police force.

One student, after getting rejected from the bar said, “They asked me what the capital of Pennsylvania was. Why do I have to pass a geography exam for an illegal drink? I took my geography class over zoom I don’t know what the capital of fucking Pennsylvania is.”

Several students wishing to remain anonymous reported the bar to UPD, as the Binghamton Student Handbook explicitly states that as long as a student has a fake resembling a human person, they have a constitutional right to be allowed into a bar downtown. UPD took swift and direct action against the Red Jug’s immoral behavior. by filling a swat truck with kegs of their preferred beer, Natural Light, and turning on their emergency lights before speeding towards campus.

“I don’t like that Red Jug,” the UPD captain slurred to a well-paid reporter, “there’s no vomit on the ground. It isn’t sweaty there. The bathrooms work. I can hear what the person next to me is saying at the bar. Everyone looks like they’re of legal age to drink. They serve local beers that taste good. That just isn’t what the Binghamton community is about.”

Students rejoiced as police officers gave out keg stands in the middle of campus with their seized contraband as a group building exercise. One officer accidentally tazed themselves, and freshmen got a chance to fire the officer’s pistols into the air to really make the most of their college experience, proving once again that UPD’s number one priority has always been the well-being of the student body.

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