- David Belkin
Top 5 Ways Your Professor Can Tell You're High Off Your Ass
Is your class boring? Do your professors tend to ramble on about self-indulgent nonsense unrelated to the class material, wasting your valuable time? Have you ever wanted to go on a psychedelic drug trip in a room of your respected peers? Smoking some herb before class, while I personally would never endorse such an infringement of university policy, might solve these issues if done correctly. However, there are many ways your professor can tell if you’ve been dancing with Mary Jane— here are the top five.
1. You laugh at everything the professor says
Unless your English professor is asking the class whether or not they’ve read the book, nothing your professor says is meant to make anyone laugh. Unless your professor is Ryan Vaughan. Then it's okay.
2. You’re watching cartoons in class
Yeah, Tom and Jerry is pretty sweet. But only stoners still watch vintage cartoons, and your professor won’t believe your taste as a college student is elite enough to understand the value of Golden Age animation. And whatever you do, don’t watch Rick and Morty, or else your professor will think you’re a hardcore weed enthusiast, as Rick and Morty is only for those with a high enough IQ and a deep understanding of weed culture. Wubba lubba dub dub!
Note - Also ignore this one if your professor is Ryan Vaughan.
3. You keep looking around the room
Everyone will tell you’re paranoid. Everyone will tell you’re paranoid. Everyone will tell you’re paranoid. Everyone will tell you’re paranoid. Everyone will tell you’re paranoid. Everyone will tell you’re paranoid. Everyone will tell you’re paranoid.
4. You ask your professor why their voice keeps echoing in your ear and why etches of rainbow light keep bouncing off of them
It won’t be on the final exam. You’ll just waste everyone’s time.
5. You smell like pot
Just wear an exuberant amount of cologne; it might not entirely mask the smell, but it shows you’ve cared enough to try.