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  • Alex Weiner

Top 10 Puppets

Life is pretty crazy. There’s almost always something going on that keeps us stressed and away from enjoying the little things in life. It’s in these moments where puppets play a significant role in life as they do something. I have no idea what specifically, they’re fucking puppets. Love 'em or fear them, there’s something charming about these fake people that act like humans. Anyway, here’s the BUTT’s Top 10 Puppets in media.

10- Statler and Waldorf (The Muppets)

You may not know these Muppets by name but you definitely know their shtick. Primarily known for breaking the 4th wall in Muppet media, this couple of jokers is for that older generation who’s watching what’s meant for kids. These geezers do their own thing and don’t let anyone get in the way of that, derailing the entire show in the process. The jokes they make about the other Muppets are always enjoyable, and they make for a much better couple than Bert and Ernie. Fight me.

9- Elmo (Sesame Street)

You thought he was going to be higher up on the list, didn’t you? If Elmo is to be described in one word, that word would be iconic. Everyone knows this lovable little red fuzzball. He’s cute and hilarious in pretty much everything he’s featured in, whether it be Sesame Street or a random talk show that he shows up in for some unknown reason (but that’s not a complaint.) The only thing keeping him in the number 9 spot on this list is that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. We’ve seen a lot of Elmo over the years and not as much as some other characters. If Elmo needs to learn anything it’s how to share the spotlight with other members of the Sesame Street gang.

8- Jigsaw (Saw)

Jigsaw puts the P for “pissed my pants” in Puppet. I don’t remember which P that is, but it’s definitely one of them. If you’re afraid of puppets, it’s likely that this murderous fucker is the reason why. Always forced to spout riddles for the insanely deadly and gorey death traps his creator makes, and that blank expression in his eyes leaves an image in one’s head that’ll be there when you’re trying to fall asleep. Jigsaw is easily one of the most prominent puppets in horror, and for that reason he’s number 8.

7- Kermit (The Muppets)

Like Elmo, Kermit is on this list due to his iconicity and out of respect. Kermit is a true homie to all of the Muppets, making sure that the show continues at all costs. No matter all of the chaos going on, Kermit legitimately cares for all of the Muppets. In this way, Kermit is probably the best puppet in the Muppet Cinematic Universe (or MCU), and in Hollywood. Unlike all of the awful Hollywood people, like the ones who got away with tons of sexual assaults, the generaly unfunny ones like James Corden, and the ones who throw temper tantrums at the Oscars, Kermit does the exact opposite. He treats women with respect. This can be seen in his healthy relationship with Ms. Piggy, making him incredibly based. He is also a very memeable puppet (or Muppet).

6- Yoda (Star Wars)

Yoda is a strange case when it comes to puppets. In the original trilogy, he was a puppet, but in basically every appearance he had afterwards, he was animated. And considering how this is a Top 10 Puppets list, that means that we’ll only be taking into account Yoda’s appearances in puppet form, making him very distinct from other puppets that appear on this list. With that being said, Yoda is a Jedi Master of Jedi Masters and it shows. As one of the few Jedis left in the original trilogy, Yoda quickly makes his mark as one of the most notable. He shifts roles from senile old man to wise mentor as fast as he’s able to pull out Luke’s X-Wing from the swamp (which was pretty fast). Sure, he may talk in a weird way that must’ve been painful to write, but his caring and insightful methods push Luke to save the galaxy, earning him the #6 spot.

5- Pinocchio (Shrek)

Why is it important to differentiate the Pinocchio from Shrek from all the other Pinocchios? Well, that’s because the other ones bitched out and turned into a human. Pinocchio from the Shrekverse remains a puppet, making him the most powerful Pinocchio, as he doesn’t have a frail human body and can pierce their organs with a simple lie. He saw the strings that controlled him and said, “yeah, I can vibe with these ''. From there, sure, he may play more of a side character, but his appearances are always appreciated. He chills with the other fairy tale creatures and makes some wisecracking jokes while getting shit on for wearing women’s underwear. He plays an integral role in the finale of Shrek 2, and could’ve easily saved the day on his own, but ultimately chose not to in the end. What a chad.

4- Gary Johnston (Team America: World Police)

American soldier, anti-terrorist agent, member of Team America: World Police, broadway actor, hero — these are only a few words to describe Gary Johnston. Moving away from his comfortable life as a broadway actor to serve the American people, he quickly takes the role of the hero that was left to him by his predecessor in Team America. From here, he goes on a modern take of the hero’s journey with the entire weight of the free world on his shoulders. He fights terrorists, saves the world, and takes part in the weirdest sex scene I’ve ever seen since he’s a puppet. And despite all that, he’s still a relatable and down to earth guy. When he said “ I said I’ll never die, but now I’m dead inside”, man, I felt that.’

3- Fozzie Bear (The Muppets)

Easily the biggest chad on this list. This Muppet is the funniest puppet on this list. His catchphrase “wocka wocka” gets me every single time. All Muppets try to be funny in some way, but Fozzie is, by nature of his career, a comedian. Among many comedians, he stands as the premier comedian. No other Muppet even comes close to where Fozzie stands. And don’t even get me started on his drip because GOD DAMN is this puppet dripped out. With that classy hat on his head and that snazzy tie, Fozzie is the best dressed puppet on this list. In this life, you either drip or drown… when Fozzie’s around, we’re all drowning. Girls want to be with him and guys want to be him, Fozzie Bear is a chad and he knows it.

2- Big Bird (Sesame Street)

I’m not going to pretend to know who runs Sesame Street, but Big Bird is definitely the John Gotti of the Street. The mastermind behind it all. He was the first puppet on Sesame Street way before Elmo was even born, and he’ll be the last one to leave- dead or alive. His most notable physical characteristic, his size, makes it clear that he is the most powerful puppet. Big Bird could easily take on any other person in the Street on his own. What’s Cookie Monster going to be able to do to stop him? All Big Bird needs to do is step on them. Although he may come off as naive at times, that’s only a method he uses to ensure that you understand something. Due to his long time on the Street, Big Bird is also the most knowledgeable puppet, including knowing full well of the concept of death. This guy was able to gaslight everyone into believing that his once imaginary friend the Snuffleupagus was real, effectively willing him into existence through collective psychosis. If there’s any sort of government in Sesame Street, then it would be completely worthless. I think we all know which puppet really controls the place.

Honorable Mention

Before we get to the #1 puppet on this list, I’d like to give special attention to one puppet that didn’t quite make the list- that puppet being… The Puppet From Victorious.

I’m not going to pretend like I remember his name, and I don’t feel like searching it up. What I do remember is how much of a chad he was in comparison to the guy whose hand was up his ass, puppeting him. Being able to blur the line between the puppet and master, The Puppet From Victorious was so starkly different from his master that while The Puppet From Victorious was picking up girls left and right, his master was left maidenless. The Puppet From Victorious lived his life in quips, comebacks, and revelry until his untimely death. I’m pretty sure this was an actual thing that happened. Again, I really don’t feel like searching this up. May The Puppet From Victorious rest in peace, he will not be forgotten.

1- President Donald J. Trump (46th President of the United States of America)

If Pinocchio is a bitch for choosing to be a human after being a puppet, then what’s there to say about a human choosing to be a puppet? I’ll tell you what: that human would get the #1 spot on this list. For four whole years this puppet of a man allowed the dictator of Russia, Vladimir Putin, to have his hand up his ass, controlling his every movement. Throughout his presidency, President Trump talked about how great of a guy this actual dictator in the 21st century was, going so far as to ask him for help during these years in order to maintain his own power and ego. What makes President Trump such a good puppet is his balance of comedy and horror. One moment you may be laughing at some of the stuff he said and how people believe every word he says, like when he said to inject bleach into your bloodstream to fight back COVID, but then you realize that every political move he made was backed by Putin. This means that virtually every move he made brought the country closer to ruin so that Putin could make Russia the next world power. And all of a sudden you realize that you’re nothing more than a pawn in these vast games of politics that are played by actual puppets. This puppet did nothing to stop COVID from spreading because he wanted Americans to die, he did nothing when police officers were attacking protesters because he wanted Americans to die, and he staged a coup so he could do it all again and kill even more Americans. ANYWAY… what makes President Trump a great puppet is how he nearly destroyed a country from the inside without even questioning his master's bidding, and that every day from now on, he will work towards that goal out of the blind faith that he will be able to maintain at least one strand of his power- all without realizing that by the end of it all, there would be nothing left but the Empire of his puppeteer.

всем удачной недели!

(Happy based week everyone!)

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