• Shannon Mahon

Tired of Someone Taking Your Favorite Seat? Here's Some Wacky Ways to Reclaim What Belongs to You

There’s no thicker tension than what exists between you and the person that stole your coveted seat in class. How utterly humiliating it is to see that the seat that has been “unofficially” yours since the start of the semester is now being occupied by the most conniving individual of all… The Chair Thief. Actually, conniving doesn’t even begin to cover the cynical things this kind of psycho must have in their head. How could they commit such a heinous act of terror on you, the innocent bystander?


Picture this, you casually stroll into the lecture hall for your 9:40 class, 5 minutes early to secure your seat- a seat which always seems to be empty and waiting just for you. But alas… today things didn’t go as planned. That little shit who dominates the lecture with questions he already knows the answer to is sitting in YOUR seat. You become enraged, seeing red, sweat dripping into your eyes… ouchie, it’s stinging. Your fist is clenched tightly into a ball of rage as you take your walk of shame to the shitty seat at the back of the class- the only one left. As you arrive at your new pathetic and lonely spot at the back, you think to yourself “how did I get here? How did my life turn so sour, so quick?”


I’d like to offer all of you survivors of seat theft a solution. Cold sweet revenge. I’m tired of these audacious students who wake up in the morning and tell themselves “today is the day. Today is the day I steal your seat.”. It’s time for the innocent bystander to get their deserving revenge on this conniving bastard.


Here are some solutions to give The Chair Thief a taste of his or her own medicine:


Solution 1: Sneak into class the night before and unscrew every single screw in the entire chair. Monday morning will come around. Sit back and relax and watch the chair thief commit their usual crime. They’ll find themselves lying flat on their back, covered in pieces of the chair, and the whole class, including the Professor, laughing hysterically at their misfortune.


Solution 2: After class, follow the Chair Thief back to their dorm room. The next day, come back at night and set up a bear trap for them directly outside of their room. You could even get their roommates in on it, because I’ll tell you, if they are living with The Chair Thief, they’ve just about had it with said individual as well. They will be happy helping you capture the guilty party.


Solution 3: Get to class 2 full hours in advance. There’s a class in there before? Sit through it, save that seat for yourself. You can’t trust the extent to which the thief has put into his plan.


Solution 4: Tell the teacher on them, but not for stealing your seat… just make something up. You caught them cheating on the test? You heard they’re selling copies of all of his labs to other students? They slapped you in the face last class? Whatever your imagination can come up with will be a sufficient enough lie to plant a righteously deceitful seed.


Solution 5: This solution is a two parter. Firstly, go to your local CVS and grab the laxatives from the digestion aisle. Next, as you pass by them in class, put the laxative powder into their drink (you can distract them with something like a fake attendance sheet). Oh, but the professor says you can’t eat or drink in class? Solution: follow them into the dining hall and get it into their food that way.


I again want to express my condolences to anyone affected by merciless crimes such as chair theft. Hopefully these solutions can finally enact justice upon all the students out there who steal seats.

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