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  • Anonymous Bearcat

The Greencoats are Coming!

The Greencoats are coming!

The Greencoats are coming!

Don your masks! Socially distance!

The Greencoats are coming!

You’ve seen them, silently watching you. All across campus, the Green Jackets (called such due to the green jackets that symbolize their authority) duck in and out of study rooms, stalk the University Union, and patrol your living communities.

Did you know that if a Green Jacket asks to sleep in your dorm, you do not have the right to turn them away? You agreed to that when you signed the Housing License. Read it again if you don’t believe me.

If a GJ catches you within six feet of another human being, or wearing your mask below the chin, they are legally allowed to perform a “spot surveillance test”. They will detain you and take you to the campus black site, which I’m pretty sure is over near the [REDACTED]. They will then proceed with their interrogation methods, which include forcing you to answer the daily COVID questionnaire under polygraph, shoving used COVID test swabs up your nose, and threatening to take away your financial aid/scholarships.

It is time for our graduate oppressors to take off their jackets and go back to writing research papers. I propose we organize a revolutionary vanguard: The Red Jackets (I chose red as it is the opposite of green on the color wheel). These Red Jackets (who are not communist or British) will identify and protect undergraduate students from instances of Green Jacket oppression. They will do so through the defensive art of weaponized coughing.

Together, we will drive out the Greencoats from our Premiere Public University. King Stenger will have no choice but to withdraw his forces from our campus, and once again, we will be able to free our faces and congregate in peace. Then we can talk about defunding UPD.

Go Bearcats!

(This article is pending removal by the BUTT. Apparently, we knew too much)


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