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  • Writer's pictureBU Times Tribune

Student Doing Acid in a Coffin Really Getting in the Halloween Spirit

"It's a tradition as old as time: rumor is, Dracula himself would take a tab before bed once a month. And if Dracula could do it once a month, our pledges can do it once in their lives."

This was the line of reasoning Trent and Jay gave as they opened their blindfolded pledges' mouths and placed what tasted like seaweed in their nervous mouths. The new interns could hear some heavy wooden items being wheeled in the room. While some thought it was one of those big 1990’s TV’s underfunded elementary schools had before holiday breaks, pledges like Jimmy and Timmy would soon find out that their holiday entertainment would not involve Charlie Brown or Shrek.

After being told to rise from their kneeling positions, they were instructed to take their blindfolds off, a rarity in the dark basement they had a Stockholm Syndrome relationship with. Laying in their caskets, the new members felt connected almost spiritually. The effects of acid were starting to kick in. How strong was this dose? How would Jose know?

As the casket door closed on them, feeling like an Undertaker opponent at Wrestlemania, the pledges now saw the last natural daylight they would see for the rest of the weekend. Tripping? Placebo? Colors? Llamas? Shittin? Poopin? Those were just some of the many thoughts racing through the anxious pledges’ minds, many unaware of the substance they had just taken.

After several hours of a hot, scary, Halloween themed acid trip, the distinguished brothers of greater Binghamton’s spookiest fraternity opened the caskets of all but one pledge. Known as blood sucking Brian because he refused to pay for a brother’s lunch one afternoon, Brian would now pay an extended price for his horrid mistake that caused Trent excessive financial difficulty. As Trent ordered the pledges to "get the party space ready for the Halloween bitches pulling up," one measly pledge decided he’d stand up for himself for the first time since the process began.

Lil Timmy, lil because he once got rejected by a girl because he wasn’t in her eye line, walked up to Trent with his chest puffed and legs shaking. Trent didn’t even need to acknowledge Lil Timmy’s existence. He already knew the question this wanna-not-be-pussy was going to ask. Spitting his gum on the floor, Trent responded that Brian the Blood Sucker would be allowed to leave his coffin once Trent had ejaculated that night. And Trent would not be using his hands.

The pledges understood that in order to save Brian, they’d need to get Trent some pussy. So they texted every girl that would still respond to them after they’d humiliatingly asked for an ass pic to get a night off of pledging. They copied and pasted the same question. Do you think Trent from my frat has a good jawline? Twenty-five girls failed to respond before the party started, and only two responded. One said no. The other sent back a snapchat of approval and was promptly given Trent’s number.

A valuable lesson was taught to the pledges that night, and Trent was feeling generous so he let Brian out at 11 pm. He was unconscious but after a second bucket of water to the face, he awoke like a man brought back to life. A new pledge name was given that day. Zombie Brian? Deadman? Spookyfucker? Battletested Brian? Trent decided XanManSleepInACoffin would be Brian’s official pledge name, thus finally getting him into the Halloween Spirit.

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