- Max Lieber
Santa Descends to State Street During Santacon; Holds "Grand Melee" to Determine Worthy Successor
Santacon weekend took an especially wild turn this year after a massive fight-to-the-death on State Street commenced during the beloved holiday. This fight was believed to have been instigated by Father Christmas himself, who made an unexpected appearance in front of Santacon attendees.
The event occurred at about midday, at the point when State Street was the most packed. Onlookers report witnessing the clouds part and Santa's sleigh descending from the heavens, touching down in the middle of State Street. Some say the sleigh landed on and crushed a few parked cars when it touched down. Following the landing, shocked Santacon attendees watched as the "unmistakable figure" of Mr. Claus exited the sleigh and stepped out onto State Street. A student who had begun filming as soon as Santa’s sleigh appeared in the sky presents us with a reliable transcript of the Saint's next words:
"You may be wondering why I have decided to appear here, on this day. Look around you. You are surrounded by hundreds of pretenders. They may wear my robe, my beard, or my hat, but they are not me. I have decided to determine who among you is worthy enough to become my successor via a Grand Melee. If you are able to prove to me that your Christmas Spirit is strong enough to overpower every foe, I shall name you the sole inheritor of my legacy. This sleigh and its reindeer, my workshop, and my title shall all be yours. You will also claim possession of my "workers". All that I require is that you kill everyone who stands in your way. May the jolliest win.”
Bystanders, who viewed the street from bar windows and cars, recall the fighting that followed Claus’s proclamation to be rather graphic. Jack Bronson, who says he was observing the brawl from Dillingers, was “thoroughly entertained”: “It was brutal, but kinda funny. I never thought I’d see a drunk man dressed up as Santa beat another drunk Santa to death with a brick.” Many bystanders were also “incredibly confused” by what was happening, such as Carlos Riveria, a current student at BU: “There was a lot going on, but I was pretty drunk so I couldn’t really tell what was actually going on. At one point, I think I saw prancer prance an old lady to death with his hooves. That’s all I remember.”
As the fighting came to a close, a somewhat clear victor emerged. It is believed to have been undergraduate student and Pi Lambada Phi member Matthew Tollander, who is currently pursuing a degree in Applied Mathematics. As Tollander stood over the corpse of his last foe, he is believed to have exclaimed something along the lines of “eyyy I’m Santa now. Let’s gooooooo-!”. Accounts vary as to what happened next. Some recall Tollander’s shout being cut short mid sentence when Mr. Claus pointed a finger at him, which instantaneously caused Tollander, Santa, and Santa’s sleigh to vanish into thin air. Others say that Tollander passed out mid sentence due to a combination of excessive alcohol consumption and a realization of the horrible acts he had just committed. Santa is then believed to have picked Tollander up off the ground and dumped the poor, victorious boy in the back of his sleigh, proceeding to fly off while “laughing all the way”.
There are approximately 120 students and community members who were seriously injured during the brawl. As for casualties, there were only about five. While we mourn the students and community members who did not survive, the greatest loss that day was that of Rudolf “the Red Nosed Reindeer'', who was hit by a drunk driver. He will be missed.