Just when it seems like most of our time at the university’s about to end with the semester coming to a close, it seemed likely that nothing bad could happen again. Afterall, we’ve already been going through COVID, a semester without breaks, and probably a third thing that happened that I can’t think of at the top of my head. What else could possibly go wrong this semester? Well, that answer was answered pretty quickly last week when a ransomware attack was done on the university, crippling many of university systems, causing some systems like the mail room, SA offices, and my meal plan specifically to be shut down for an indefinite amount of time.
With all of these facilities being closed for varying amounts of time, students across campus are trying to find out how this attack started, so we can blame someone. Although the university isn’t willing to out whoever allowed the attack to happen, the BUTT has an exclusive anonymous tip from someone going by B-Anon. After meeting with him, who seemed to be Baxter in a trench coat while also wearing a fedora, we know everything about what truly happened that caused many of the university’s systems to be infected.
On that fateful Sunday, everyone’s favorite English professor, Ryan Vaughan, clicked on a pop up ad for “hot single milfs in the area”. Instead of finding out where they are, the ad infected the computer he was using, which was one of the computers in an empty lecture hall. Since those computers are connected to basically all systems in the university, the virus spread from the lecture into all of those systems. When asked about if he regretted clicking on that ad, Vaughan commented, “Yeah, it sucks that the university got infected with a virus, but let’s be real here, it was going to get fixed pretty quickly. The real crime to this day is that I still don’t know where these milfs are.”