Op-Ed: Never Take Your Kids to Santacon. It's Not What You Think It Is
As a single father of two, I sometimes find myself struggling to find ways to keep my little angels from bothering me. That’s why I was so happy when I saw Binghamton would be holding its annual Christmas celebration for the first time since we moved here. Needless to say, the boys love Christmas, so we were up bright and early. Unfortunately, so was everyone else.
When we first got to State Street, a wonderfully friendly police officer told me that my kids were probably a couple months too young to be there, but they love Santa so much I just couldn’t take them away. Biggest mistake of my life! To all the parents reading this: just because the drunk Santa is a college student doesn’t mean that it’s any safer for your kids to be around them. One of those bastards picked up Jarrett and ran into a bar yelling that him and his elf were going to tag team someone! I don’t even think he meant wrestling, either. It took forever to convince the bouncer I wasn’t an undercover cop, and by the time I got inside, Jarrett was doing tequila shots out of a scantily-clad Clarice the Reindeer’s belly button. Who would let a child do such a thing? And why did the video of him doing it get so many more likes than the video of me doing it?
Now Jarrett is telling me that he wants a Vodka-White Claw for his birthday. He’s twelve! Twelve! What am I supposed to do about that? And don’t even get me started on Joshua. I lose him inside a frat for just two hours, and when I find him, he’s wearing one of their hoodies! I guess I could stand the hoodie, and I could even stand his friends coming over for blunts and 40s on Friday night- he’s fourteen, after all- but what I can’t stand is Joshua telling me that he won’t follow my rules around the house anymore because I “don’t have enough bitches on my dick to be telling him what to do.” How could he say that to me? I literally fucked his mom! That’s why all I’m asking for for Christmas this year is that you learn from my mistakes, and only take your kids out on Parade Day.