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  • Nick Monastero

Nelson Mandela Approves New On-Campus Bar


Surprised by Binghamton's decision to serve alcohol out of the Mandela room, The BUTT sent a team of sniffers to the scene to find out the reasoning behind this earth shattering change. "I just want to be like that cool mom that lets you drink at her house because she wants to supervise." Binghamton University's Event Coordinator, Eve Venti, told The BUTT, "Why force students to the bars for drinks when we can cut them off at two and watch their disappointment from the security cameras?"


Unfortunately, not everyone was on board with this line of reasoning as the University Services Director, Alex Jackson, told The BUTT, "Drinks on campus? What's next, free condoms?" He continued, filled with rage, "Do you know how long it took for me to get those out of Hillside?"


In order to break the debate between staff, we decided to reach out to The Mandela Room's namesake, Nelson Mandela, for his opinion. "At first we were asking ourselves how we were going to consult him if he was alive and still in prison but then Gary Dea, my wiz nephew, came in and was like 'Nelson Mandela has been dead for years' and wow, was that good news. Honestly, such a relief."


"We busted out the ouija board and got to work. He was pretty chill." Alex recalled, "He said 'As long as you turn down the funny guys asking for a Corona and serve my favorite sweet-wine, I approve. Just don't go telling my grandson.' Oh, and then he spelled out 'Wink'."


"Honestly, it went better than I thought." Eve wrapped up her thoughts. "I'm very glad Thomas J. Watson didn't crash the seance like he usually does."


I'm Jones Belch for The Butt, telling you to get some sweet, subsidised, sweet-wine.

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