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  • Ethan Rosenblum

Jacob Still Refusing to Concede Despite Edward Obviously Having Won

The choice of a lifetime, the single decision that may determine the future of the country - indeed, the human race itself - has been made: Bella Swan has chosen Edward Cullen over Jacob Black. This result came later than many were hoping for, as Bella’s lingering feelings took several days to fully surface, but since last Saturday, it has been clear that Bella chose to spend her life with Edward. Jacob has not taken the news well, and still seems to be in denial about it, sharing his baseless views on how Bella actually chose him and Edward stole her from him to anyone who will listen. An anonymous source from within his inner circle has revealed that his tribe has gathered around him to offer emotional support in this difficult time.

“His love for her is a FRAUD,” he is said to have drunkenly shouted at them on Tuesday, “not like my VERY REAL love for her! How can anyone believe she picked him over me? He’s so old and creepy!” While his confidants desperately tried to console him, he remained oblivious and continued his inebriated rant, espousing ever more absurd conspiracy theories. “Most vampires can be traced back to Dracula, he has very corrupt ties to Eastern Europe! He’s probably working with the Russians! Why isn’t anybody talking about that? And most of Edward’s supporters are dead, too! Mine may be able to turn into bloodthirsty monsters at will, but at least they’re alive,” he sobbed.

When reached for comment, Bella analyst Jessica Stanley clarified that Jacob’s claims had no standing, saying, “There’s absolutely no way she chose Jacob. Honestly, it’s weird that it was even this close, because at no point did the majority of Bella’s heart prefer Jacob to Edward.” This sentiment was echoed by the source within the Jacob camp, who admitted that even the most loyal of Jacob’s ruthless werewolf clan members were starting to wonder when he’d get a grip. “She doesn’t love him. He needs to move on, and everyone but him can see it,” the source disclosed. “The werewolves are all talking amongst ourselves about what to do next, and at this point, we’re just waiting to see how soon we can drop him without making Team Jacob angry.”

Edward, for his part, has been ignoring Jacob while quietly celebrating victory, and, at press time, was said to be preparing to fuck Bella every way he knew how.

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