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  • David Belkin

Incumbent SA President Vows To Use Their Position to Bolster Resume


Incumbent SA President Ron Stitution has promised that the font size, spacing, and general aesthetic of his resume will fully represent the needs of a growing Binghamton student body.

Candidates of many different ages, ideologies, and backgrounds have spent the last few weeks honorably fighting to be President of next year’s Student Association Executive Board in what has ultimately made for an election that I, as a journalist, feel obligated to write about on some level. This year’s election was especially exciting as there were not only two, but five exceptional and ambitious students who had decided to step up and spectate the presidential debate live and in person. Electoral candidate Ron Stitution, a sophomore double majoring in psychology and communications whose radical policies and simple, yet effective rhetoric had helped him to stand out amongst his four opponents, came out as the clear victor of the debate. When asked by an audience member what his first course of action would be if inaugurated, candidate Stitution had this to say: “I promise to use my position on the SA Board as a springboard to further the trajectory of my career upon graduation. I will begin by including the position on my resume.” He was then met with uproarious applause from audience members, moderators, and constituents alike. Some of his opponents went so far as to drop out in support.

Evidently, voters across the board have identified with candidate Stitution’s authenticity and straightforwardness. Moreover, students had respected his bravery in subverting the traditional necessity of an elected official to have any kind of “plan.” Stitution’s platform was likewise effective in permeating the hearts and minds of Binghamton’s student body through how it eschewed both the pretentious-sounding jargon of his contemporaries as well as any disingenuous concern for the welfare of his base. One voter for candidate Stitution voiced their ardent support, saying, “His foresight in seeing this election as an opportunity to bolster his resume is proof of his unwavering leadership,” blithely adding, “I guess that’s why he’s the president and I’m not!”

Second-place candidate, Rob Bed, has evidently expressed concern over the state of his resume in the face of his brutalizing defeat: “Being president of the Anime Club isn’t enough for my resume to stand out. Employers won’t care how many episodes of One Piece I’ve seen!— I’m screwed!”

At press time, presidential incumbent Ron Stitution had been spotted at Einstein’s Cafe, finalizing the typeface of his resume. His advisors have evidently recommended that the SA President displays the prestigious position on his resume as prominently as can be gotten away with without coming across to employers as egotistical. Baxter the Bearcat was meanwhile seen sitting at an adjacent table, shedding a singular tear of pride and purring ceremoniously.


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