- Max Lieber
'I'm An Oil Man' Says SOM Student Through Mouthful of Siphoned Gas
This Sunday, an accounting major named Samuel Dickatino was arrested at the Kwik Fill on Floral Avenue after attempting to siphon and resell gas from several vehicles on the premises. According to police, Samuel managed to siphon gas from nearly 500 motor vehicles before eventually being apprehended. 12 other students have also been arrested who are suspected to have been a part of Samuel’s operation.
On the day of the arrest, an on scene BUTT correspondent managed to catch Samuel during the act. He recalls encountering the student holding a rubber tube attached to the fuel compartment of an SUV in one hand while reaching for a handshake with the other. "My name is Sam. I'm an oil man," he gargled to our reporter through a mouthful of freshly siphoned gasoline, dribbling priceless drops of fuel off of his chin and onto the asphalt with each word. "Gas prices are quite high these days, quite high indeed. Can I interest you in some high quality oil for a reasonable rate?"
According to Samuel, he felt inspired to start his enterprise after realizing the Binghamton community’s need for cheap gas after the implementation of sanctions on Russia that have caused gas prices to skyrocket, making a routine fuel up unaffordable to most residents. He believes that locals who rely on his service are much better off than those who choose to fill up at the pump: “My boys and I are quick, efficient, and reliable. We know our way around an automobile. If you have any moral or ethical complaints about my line of work, then feel free to drown yourself in the Susquehanna, which one day will be filled with a million gallons of MY OIL.”
The incident that ultimately led to Dickatino’s arrest occurred at 6:23 PM at the Kwik Fill. Samuel allegedly backed the "Oilmobile", a replica Model T that his dad bought for his 12th birthday as an "investment", into a Sedan at the pump whose owner had just inserted his credit card into the machine. Eyewitnesses say that Dickatino then pushed the Sedan's owner, an elderly caucasian man, onto the ground, and proceeded to fill up the Oilmobile. Onlookers, who were either too afraid or sickly fascinated to attempt to defuse the situation, watched as Samuel began kicking the Sedan’s owner when he attempted to get back up. Sources are not entirely clear as to what happened next, but it is believed that after Samuel finished filling up the Oilmobile completely, he began squirting gas onto the man's face, shouting incomprehensibly about how the pump was his "straw" and the Sedan was the "milkshake". Following this horrifying ritual, Samuel kicked the gas-soaked elderly man once more and drove away. According to police, Samuel was easily arrested following the incident as the Oilmobile could only drive at a maximum speed of 20 miles per hour.
A few days before the arrest, Dickatino was recorded attempting to drill into a nearby gas pipeline. "There's a lot of oil here trapped under the ground!" Samuel yelled in the recording as he jackhammered a stretch of sidewalk across from the Kwik Fill. "It's telling me that it wants to be freed from the hands of the oil companies that are economically strangling the American people!" The clip was primarily circulated on the Instagram account @BinghamtonBarstool, where Samuel received a surprising amount of community support and adoration. Many comments on the post referred to Samuel as an “oil king”, “Joe Brandon’s worst enemy”, and the “gassy guzzler”. The post has since been removed from @BinghamtonBarstool due to ongoing investigation.