- Max Lieber
Guy Who Spends Way Too Much Time at Frats Can Only Pee While Listening to Billboard Top 100
One BU student who has partied at at least one frat every single day since the start of the semester made quite the shocking discovery this weekend. According to him, he can no longer pee without listening to "frat music".
"It's really been a terrible experience," said Isaac Kaplowitz, who is currently a Junior in SOM. "However, there is a bright side. At least it helped me understand Pavlovian conditioning way better than how my Psych 111 prof taught it."
In regards to what helps Isaac number one, he says it's pretty specific.
"You would expect that something like WAP would do the trick, but it has to be something that is currently on the [Billboard Top 100] list. I find myself checking my phone every time I go to the bathroom in order to determine what will work. The songs higher on the list really do it for me. The lower ones, not so much. For example, anything from Certified Lover Boy will give me an absolute waterfall. But, if I switched to Chris Stapleton's 'You Should Probably Leave'
[at the 98th spot at time of writing], that golden shower will instantly become a golden trickle."
As for how he deals with the condition, Isaac has taken to always making sure he's carrying a pill speaker with him on any trip to the john.
"Some people might think I'm that obnoxious asshole who blasts music in a public restroom. Trust me, I only do this because I have to. If I don’t, I’ll probably get a UTI.”
A group of neuroscience majors have petitioned to launch a case study into Isaac’s peculiar condition. They believe that the problem might be solved if Isaac reconditioned with a new stimulus. If they could manage to get him drunk in a sanitized, sterile bathroom environment rather than the unhygienic, god-knows-what-I’m-stepping-in bathroom environment that often characterizes fraternity bathrooms, then his brain would theoretically begin to adjust to the new environment. They could start by regressively playing the top hits from each generation, beginning with the 2020s and going backward from there. Isaac would be asked to pee to DaBaby, Soulja Boy, and so on, until he would hopefully reach Beethoven. Then the researchers could gradually introduce different volumes of white noise until the behavior becomes extinct. However, it appears that forcing Isaac to listen to hundreds of songs for days at a time would be unethical, as Binghamton's IRB has (at least for now) given thumbs down on the project.