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  • Maxwell Maceluch

Grading the Campaign Pages of Vestal & Binghamton’s New Regime Who Would Never Go Back on Their Word

With election day now far and away, it is high time the grand suzerains you appointed through the power of pure democracy - yes, you, who is heavily involved in the local community and politics regardless of your personal stakes in them - get a taste of some SUNY pedagogy. After all, Binghamton is at their mercy to an extent, being a small state-funded city-state enveloped by their countyship; [YOUR BAR OF CHOICE] might start actually reading your nonetheless legitimate ID under the new District Attorney’s crackdown on crime for all you know! Just kidding, could you imagine? I could, since my brain is impeccably creased… Which is why, at this point in time, I will be delving into the ‘about’ sections of our new leaders spread across various web pages to decipher who they truly are. This, of course, will be determined in the only way that matters: by way of grammar and syntax. How can anyone take any of their legislation seriously otherwise? Now, without further ado…

Vestal Supervisor Maria Sexton: Lower C-

  • Vary your sentence structure, as there are far too many “I” statements

  • Double check for double spaces next time, please When starting a new paragraph, please tab the first sentence instead of using double spaces

  • Occasional redundancies

  • Generally clear and well-structured

  • Never conclude with “in summary”

State Supreme Court Justice Cheryl Insinga: Upper C+

  • People often forget that such lettering represents an average piece of work

  • Nothing terrible, nothing stellar

  • Extraordinary work will earn its proper designation

  • “C’s get degrees” and all that

Broome County District Attorney Paul Battisti: Standard C

  • Decent work

  • Unique emphasis on absentee ballot turns away your mostly Republican audience, acting as a real stinger

  • Bootlicking penalty (LOL)

City of Binghamton City Judge Debra Gelson: Lower D+

  • Sparse infographic with far more negative space than wording

  • Said wording is primarily displayed through short bullet points

  • Awkward underlining in subheading

  • Not one, not two, but three donate buttons are displayed on your page, two of which are an “L” hand gesture away from one-another

  • The appealing aesthetics are offset by the crust-ladened .JPEG header

Town of Binghamton Justice Lawrence H. Brinker: F (SEE ME AFTER CLASS!!!!)

  • You failed to represent yourself in any meaningful way that pertains to the 2023 elections 1st

District Binghamton City Council Member Olamni Porter - N/A

  • You appear to only have an X (formerly known as Twitter) account, but since you aren’t a checkmarked user and seem pretty cool on there, don’t even worry about any of this, you’re exempt

You know what, all city council members are exempt henceforth. When it comes to politicians that will connive and/or feast upon the adrenochrome of infant babies in a vain attempt to regain or maintain their youth, they’re the least of my worries. It’s typically the federal government that you really have to worry about when it comes to that latter half regardless, but I digress all the same.

P.S. My really cool uncle who just became a capital-S-Supervisor in Pennsylvania is exempt from this categorization as well, for obvious reasons (he's pretty cool like that).

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