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  • Maxwell Maceluch

Firefighter Declines to Enter Burning Building: “It’s a bit toasty in there.”

Assistant Chief Noah Encina has been brought under fire for his refusal to enter a smoldering apartment complex after appearing on the scene in Johnson City last week. The fire was said to have been caused by faulty ventilation systems that were installed in the building, though this fact is uncertain because there were no survivors and the landlord who owned the building mysteriously vanished in a cloud of smoke following the incident.


“It’s a bit toasty in there,” the Assistant Chief explained to the masses that begged him to do something, “and it’s already been such a hot day out…” He took off his red cap and used it to fan himself as the scent of burning flesh wafted his way. As groups attempted to take the matter into their own hands by gathering water from any source they could, Encina jumped to his hose and threatened to spray anyone who dared to interfere with official fire safety business. Videos of his dutiful behavior sprang up hours after the event, but their audio was swiftly edited out by social media platforms on account of their ambiance of victims’ cries for help going against community guidelines. “Anything could be happening in those videos,” he claimed to The BUTT when we played back a muted clip of him vigorously waving the nozzle at those with buckets in hand, “this is all being taken out of context, guys.” Other bits of footage include him bravely denouncing climate change on Yik Yak and demonstrating how the heat emitting from various fires (ones that he just happened to be nearby) could be used to to heat up his packed lunch. Encina walked away from the apartment’s ashes after two hours of fervent eyeballing as he saw there was nothing left to be done once there was nothing left to burn. He remained on duty for the days that followed.


With thousands petitioning to get him fired, the Association was pressured into extinguishing this public uproar. Johnson City residents report that a ragtag group of “Fight ‘Er Friends,” sporting monochrome American flags with a single red stripe to proclaim the sanctity of firefighters’ lives (as they are quite an oppressed group), fervently fought any backlash in the days that followed by personally showing up to the houses of those who were registered under the petition. After a heated debate with all things considered, the Broome County Firefighters Association has determined that Encina will be sentenced to twelve months' paid leave. “We hope that he’ll take the time to reflect on what he’s done” the depersonalized board of nondescript directors informed the masses, “he’s been a very bad boy.”


In honor of the property damaged on that fateful day, the Broome County Firefighters Association has begun work to open up a mental health clinic in Johnson City on the property where the apartment was located. The Association hopes that JC residents will have more of an opportunity to vent, going forward. 

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