Ready to get sprung at Spring Fling tomorrow? I know I am! Here’re some activities available at the event that will totally “fling” you into “spring.” Per the request of its organizers, it should be noted that this list is in no particular order as to not clog up certain areas of the carnival more than others (though it should be noted that number one will shock you.)
10. The Carousel
Look out, Euphoria fans! Cassie’s “trip” on a “ride” wasn’t just for the sake of teen drama and creep appeal; the horse-filled hurdy-gurdy featured in the HBO Maxඞ exclusive is not only real, it’s coming to Binghamton. 3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine is to be handed out near the ride to enhance the experience as it did hers. As hard as it may be, please refrain from repeating what you saw on television with said 3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine or otherwise. Be yourself, man.
One motherfucker did this at the fair in town. He leaned back too far and rippen through that canvas ceiling above him. I guess it fling him about a block away before he landed in somebody's yard. They still use the same machine, but there's a huge duct tapped patch over one of those triangles in the ceiling.
8. The Ripper
Stick your hand in this one for a fun surprise. Appearing on campus one day without warning, you’ll really impress your soon-to-be partner if you use this one. The device itself is composed of several rings with spikes riddled throughout their inner lining, and although the whole thing is about as big as an extra large glove, worry not, for one size fits all (It’s designed to clamp down.) Yank the propane powered pull cord attached and watch the magic happen as the rings begin to rev up around your encoiled hand!
7. Lemonade Containment Capsule
If the lemonade is anything like the kind they distribute in jugs at Coppertop, I cannot stress enough how much you should steer clear of this capsule. This is not a fucking joke, that shit is ass. The stuff they serve at Tully’s is fine and I even enjoy a cup or two from the pizza place itself, but something about the jugging process fucks it all up. Maybe all the ice they shove in there dilutes it? There’s no way a little bit of water could save something so rancid. It’s not like it’s too sweet; I make my own lemonade that’s so butthole-puckering Minute Made tastes mid by comparison and even still what Coppertop provides is a nightmare in a jug. I’ve tried pouring pineapple Fanta in there and I think I’ll need like four more bottles to make it palatable. Christ.
6. The Booster Station
Feeling a bit stuffy in the nose from spring weather? Come down to the Booster Station sponsored by Decker to get yourself juiced up even more. I’m on my twelfth booster and I can now kill small animals with my mind. The sky’s the limit! While you’re there, please enjoy some complementary Impossible Whoppers and cell service brought to you by 5G.
5. Bookstore Bidding Auction
This is a great opportunity to get ahead of the game in both academia and drippage. Textbooks you’ll probably need based on how loosely related they are to your classes next year will be up for grabs alongside some Bing bling. No one will be able to take your $22 Baxter socks if you dump hundreds more into them. Rumor has it that they’ve got a real “gorilla grip” to’em, so get’em before they - other students, your enemies - get you. Be on the lookout for bookstore condoms too, since they’re quite a rare commodity on campus that are worth every penny.
4. The Mulch Eating Contest
Love eating shit? Of course you do! Prove your love by stuffing your face with as much of the newly slathered mulch as you possibly can within a ten minute time limit. The judges, all donned in black hoods, nearly had to make a contest based on how hard it would be to not eat as much mulch as feasibly conceivable. Don’t worry, the disruptors from last time who cry “conspiracy” have been sniffed out and dealt with. There is no such thing as “Big Poop” and, even if there was, it would not “control the entire SUNY system.”
3. Live Manifesto Readings
It’s no secret that our campus is a pretty progressive place. To celebrate this fact, Spring Fling is hosting a live reading of the Communist Manifesto. Similar to the Booster Station, Impossible Whoppers and 5G will be available within a hearing radius of Marx’s revolutionary ideas, though smartphones are prohibited during listening as everyone knows communism is when no iPhone. Worry not, for blunts will be dispensed and WHRW is set to play rock and roll vinyls during the whole event, mostly Elvis.
2. The Spring-Flinging Megaslam Skullfucker 3000
The ride to end all rides. Vestal residents typically pour into campus by the dozen just to get a glimpse of this thing, it’s that big a deal.
EDIT: A carnival stowaway has slipped on a wayward funnel cake left within the Spring-Flinging Megaslam Skullfucker 3000’s walls and the school was forced to remove it from the premises. Stupid safety regulations. In its place, engineering students have prepared a projector that displays a glass display with recognizable superhero action figures inside. Their buttons are intentionally jammed so they’ll be spouting their famous catchphrases ad nauseam.
1. The BUTT Table
It will be so cool guys you should check it out there’s like a cool interactive activity and you can take pictures with naked Baxter and everything yeah woo there’ll even be sweets and treats you guys like those right yeah :)