How far is too far? Binghamton is starting to get a grasp on just how much it can take as a video featuring Baxter the Bearcat’s disembodied head emerging from the backpack of an entity known only as “@buttsniff345” surfaced online last week.
Known by many names, primarily “Devious Licks,” students across the country are flaunting items stolen from schools and universities on TikTok to a remix of Lil B’s “Ski Ski BasedGod,” much to faculty dismay. Nothing is sacred to them: first it was soap dispensers, then ceiling tiles, and, in some instances, entire desks have been unveiled from the bookbags of delinquents and miscreants alike. The Premier Public Ivy is no doubt an exceptional college, but it is unfortunately not the exception when it comes to this diabolical fad.
Sometimes they’re relatively tame; an extra salt packet from Appalachian, a Baxter toy from Fleischman they were already handing out, a professor’s wallet. As the pressure gradually heightened online for grander licks, however, so too did it on campus. Students mourned in hunger over the empty space of what was once a refurbished Hinman dining hall just days before the decapitation incident, shocked that a video declaring that the poster was to commit “The most heinous misdeed yet ” was in fact true. Attempting to bicycle off to the marketplace to find solace in Mein Bowl, some were left dumbfounded as the grand majority of Gotcha Bikes have been similarly commandeered. Those that made it there found that even Mein Bowl Mary was nabbed away. Resigning to their dorms defeated, many noticed that their keys were also stolen.
“We’ve been scanning the web for these acts of theft for about a month now,” the BUPD cybersecurity branch informed The BUTT, “If only they put this much effort into literally anything else in their miserable little lives.”
Some students take a more positive approach to deviously dismantling Binghamton one item at a time. “It’s like,” 19-year-old drum major Ashton suggested, “It’s like the ultimate form of rebellion, y’know? Some people are stealing textbooks or like our mascot’s head and shit. I get real Rage Against the Machine vibes from this whole thing.” When asked if he could name five of their songs, Ashton fell short because he’s a fucking poser.
The same cannot be said for @buttsniff345, perhaps the most villainous thief of them all. Captioned “From breadth through depth to perspective goofy ass ,” their video unveiling Baxter’s dome holds 14K likes and even more views. Sporting latex gloves and a Binghamton hoodie, they are shown seductively sliding our dear beloved bearcat’s face from a backpack that could not possibly fit it in what appears to be the woods, possibly the nature preserve. Other videos on their account only reveal shots of sprawling Long Island landscapes, proving their identification nigh impossible.
Despite it all, the hunt is on. The athletics department has placed a bounty worth $900 in meal plan money for whoever can capture this varmint dead or alive. “W-Whoever this Buttsniff guy thinks he is,” the men’s basketball coach declared to the Binghamton Bearcats, choking back tears, “He’s got another thing coming.” A moment of silence for our dearly departed mascot was held throughout the university shortly after, followed only by sobs.
All sport events have been placed on hold until this culprit is found. If you have any leads, please do not hesitate to contact Binghamton’s Campus PI here: (607)-777-8008
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