Decker Ramps up Student Testing by an Additional Five Students per Day
Following an uptick in the amount of recorded cases within the off and on campus student population, the Decker Student Health Services Center will be taking drastic measures this coming week by allowing five additional students to come in and get tested for COVID-19. This announcement follows the recent and rapidly developing situation within Broome County, in which nearly 100 cases of coronavirus are being reported each day.
According to a public statement released by Medical Director Richard Moose to Binghamton University students and faculty, Student Health Services, “in order to ensure the public health and safety of students, faculty, and Broome County residents” will be raffling off these tests to the students who call their 607-777-2221 hotline. Director Moose stated that the raffle would be “the fairest way to distribute the limited tests among the student body, due to the volume of expected cases”. When questioned as to why the winner of the raffle would receive all five tests, Moose appeared visibly flustered. “Look, we’re doing the best we can,” the director said through gritted teeth as he authoritatively stared down the student, “do ya wanna get tested or not?”
In other news, Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger was spotted downtown this weekend, reportedly slapping the wrists of students walking down State Street.