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  • Alex Weiner

Civil War Sequel Announced...?



With the election finally behind us, we have reports of people across the country, and many around the world celebrating the election of Joe Biden. Even though this year may have been a complete shit show, citizens across the country are looking towards next year as the light at the end of the tunnel. However, that light may end up being more red then we may have thought.


Viewers of the first debate probably remember President Trump saying “stand back and stand by” in response to condemning white supremacists. This has left many viewers wondering “wait, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” The long awaited reveal of what this statement means is now in full view with the election results calling Joe Biden to be the winner of this race.


In the longest, saddest, most pathetic losing speech in American history, President Trump, after complaining about voting fraud for an hour and a half and calling upon his lawyers and lawsuits against PA repeatedly, has finally announced that he is declaring an honest-to-god “war on the Corrupt Left!”


That’s right, a second civil war is brewing on the horizon. On one side we have gun running white supremacists lead by President Trump. While on the other side we have the side marked by the ass with some class, the Democrats, led by president-elect Joe Biden. These two sides have been at each other’s throats for years, and it’s all been leading into this conflict. Although neither side is led by people with military experience, and the numbers seem to favor the latter, Trump’s side promises to “eradicate the liberals,” which is enough of a rallying call for those crazy enough to commit to this cause. Biden has not responded to any of this yet, as it would be bad optics to pit Americans against each other after declaring to reunite the divide that's been growing these last 4 years.


On the legislative side of things, Congress has released the following statement, “due to the nature of this upcoming war, we have no idea what we can do about it. Don’t worry about us, we can at least confirm that Biden DID, in fact, win Pennsylvania. We’ll figure out how to stop this eventually while we’re all safe in a bunker in an undisclosed location. Have fun!”.


Civil unrest was always anticipated regardless of the result of this election, seen in businesses boarding up and people preparing supplies. That being said, we never expected Trump to pull out this kind of trump card though, and we're paradoxically both humored that he's desparate enough to pull something like this, and stressed that whoever answers the call ends up causing harm to lives and livelihoods.

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