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  • Ethan Rosenblum

Binghamton University Invests In Future By Sinking $60 Million Into Dying Sport

The Binghamton University student body was shocked this week by the news that the school had received a donation of $60,000,000 for the development of a new baseball complex. This also came as a surprise to the administration, educational and athletic faculty, and literally everyone else on the planet. The general consensus is that it just doesn’t make any sense that money that could have gone to finishing the renovations of class buildings, dorms, and dining halls, all of which students actually need, or toward improvements of academic programs, or the creation of a functioning mental health services department, or offered financial aid to students, or is instead going to baseball.


“I appreciate the gift, I really do,” said George Eliot, the university’s director of athletics, “I just don’t know why they gave us that much for baseball. Just look at the numbers- MLB attendance is down 7% in the past five years, viewership is falling, sponsors are pulling out, and only, like, three countries even play it in the first place. If the school wants to add more international students to increase revenue and reputation, they should’ve put the money to something else. Hell, I even told the administration to see if they could spend the money on something that would actually matter, but they decided that this was going to be the best thing for the school.”


Joe Josephson, head coach of the baseball team voiced similar concerns, saying, “I’ve been in this position for almost thirty years now, and I still don’t think I’ve ever been this confused about anything. Baseball? Really? Are there even any celebrity baseball players since Jeter retired? Justin Verlander is married to Kate Upton, and even that isn’t enough to make a baseball player relevant. Sure, we might get a few more students, and our program might win some more games, and even trophies, and right now baseball is on national television, but the sport might not even make ESPN3 by the time the complex is finished!”

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