• Brendan Boyce

Binghamton University Insists That Robbing Graduate Students at Gunpoint isn’t Wage Theft

Graduate and teaching assistants at the Harvard of the SUNYs protested to Harvey Stenger about the broad-based fees that are unfairly levied to recoup the university’s losses from paying them as little as legally possible. In response, the president of the premier public ivy school decided that coercing “miscellaneous fees” from graduate students at gunpoint would be a quick and efficient way to raise funds for the university.

In his press conference, Stenger said “I like money. And everyone hates TAs. This was an obvious choice. How else are we supposed to pointlessly rebuild buildings for tax incentives?”

A Calc 226 TA retold his traumatic experience being robbed, “I was sitting in my office hours that nobody’s ever gone to, and Baxter the Bearcat barged into the room pointing a glock at me. He told me to give him everything in my wallet, which was fourteen dollars and a half used Arby’s gift card, and then he left. The school won’t do anything about it.”

When asked for comment, the president of SUNY Buffalo- a public ivy, but not exactly a premier public ivy- said, “That sounds very illegal.” Currently, Buffalo has no broad-based fees for graduate students and has a strict no-robbing-people-at-gunpoint-policy, but, like, their bars close at one instead of three in the morning, so we have that, I guess.

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