Proceedings at the Supreme Court were interrupted yesterday after an unnamed, approximately five-hour-old baby boy entered the courtroom and demanded that he be allowed to take the stand and testify regarding the decision to reverse Roe v. Wade. This event came as a shock to a nation who is anxiously awaiting an official final decision from the Supreme Court after leaked court documents have pointed to a majority decision against keeping Roe.
Court reporters say that upon the baby's arrival to the courtroom, court proceedings ground to a halt. The baby was allowed to come up to the bench in order present his case before the court. Following this, discussion broke out amongst the justices as to whether or not a baby should be allowed to testify in the Supreme Court. Ultimately, it was decided by Chief Justice Roberts that it was permitted.
Once the issue of whether or not the baby's testimony should be admitted in court was resolved, the defense brought up a new issue: whether or not the baby could be sworn in on the holy bible despite not having developed the ability to read. Defense attornies asked him to recite a passage from the holy bible. The baby was unable to do this. The court then asked the prosecution to procure a way for the baby to be sworn in. After heated discussion between members of the prosecution and the defense, the baby was asked to swear in using a pacifier.
During his deposition, the baby recounted events over the course of his life, all of which began approximately five hours before his arrival at the court:
“My mommy was about to abort me when I decided to be born. As I lay in her womb, I felt a certain anxious feeling come over me. I realized ‘I have to get out of here now. Something bad is about to happen’. It was difficult, but I managed to crawl my way out of there. I looked up and I saw that the doctor (just a wild guess, I’m still trying to understand language) had a knife and he was about to stab my mommy with it. At that moment, I recalled a Detroit Urban Survival Training TikTok that I had overheard my mommy watching at some point (it could have been during week 34 or 35 of the fetal period, I’m not really sure), and disarmed him. I then took his knife and threw it out of the hospital window. The next few moments are a blur, but next thing I knew, I was here. Maybe some greater power compelled me to come here? I can't say.”
Following the deposition, the baby began to cry. The court broke for lunch as frantic prosecutors scrambled to figure out whether the baby required food, a diaper change, or if the environment of the room was too cold for him.
Supreme Court justices were divided on the issue of whether or not the baby's testimony served as valid evidence in court, though the majority viewed it as permissable. Justice Brett Cavenaugh believed that it was within his rights for the baby to take the stand despite having entered the world only five hours prior: “I mean, he might be a baby, but he sure sounded like he knew what he was talking about. I trust him.” Other justices, like Stephen G. Breyer, were not so keen on allowing the baby's testimony: "I mean, its crazy! You wouldn't let a toddler speak at the Supreme Court, let alone any court, would you? The fate of women's reproductive rights - what say they have over their body - is resting on this decision! We're just gonna let a baby decide this one?"
The unnamed baby would be the youngest individual to testify in the United States Supreme Court. While the fate of Roe v. Wade still continues to hang in the balance, the Supreme Court's decision yesterday to allow a baby to testify on the Dobbs case may shape up to be an even more groundbreaking event in our nation's legal history.
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