- Ethan Rosenblum
Attempt to Reduce Inflation With Forex Scheme Leads to Birth of Evil Supereconomy
The U.S. inflation rate is currently at its highest peak since the birth of Timothee Chalamet, leaving many experts unsure how to respond to this latest economic crisis. This includes Congress, on whom the ultimate responsibility to address it falls, yet their latest attempt- converting the entire 2022 Fiscal Year Budget into foreign currencies and then back again to take advantage of marginal surpluses in conversation rates- has only succeeded in making the situation, far, far worse. In fact, the World Bank has just classified it as an Evil Supereconomy named Gorthaur the Usurer.
The plan, the brainchild of Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen, was introduced when Congress had already all but lost hope, and at the time seemed like the solution they had been searching for. “When they first kicked down the door and told us to use the Forex, I thought they were some kind of economic shaman who would teach us how to communicate with the underlying economic forces of the universe, but actually, Janet was just wearing layers because she gets cold easily,” said Dick Durbin, a Democratic Senator from Illinois. According to Durbin, their optimism quickly faded away. “We were all so sure it would work. Janet had a whole plan for how changing money into other money would make us more money, and it made sense. It really did. We didn’t know what would happen. We’ve made a terrible mistake, and no amount of thoughts and prayers can make it right.”
While the Forex scheme initially succeeded in stopping the inflation rate, it soon began to spike rapidly until the giant screen showing it shattered, at which point evil laughter echoed through the chamber and a foul smoke filled the air, finally coalescing into the shape of a skull. “Dear god, the laughter. The voice. There are no words to describe it,” a still-shaking Yellen told reporters. “First, it thanked me for freeing it from its neonether-dimensional prison, and then it told us the Hell it would create: a rapidly depleting Social Security fund, a minimum of 50% APR financing on every purchase of a new car, and a median wage even further below the adjusted cost of living. I shudder at the thought of it."
At press time, members of Congress had largely given up on stopping Gorthaur and were consulting with their teams in a desperate attempt to put a positive spin on it for their midterm campaigns.