Hi, I’m guest BUTT columnist Tess Reer, and if you’re like me, Fall is the most calming time of the year. While that might sound nice, my therapist is always telling me to get out of my comfort zone, so here we go!
1) Attend every de-stress event you can
If you pay attention to on-campus events, you’ll notice that there are about two of these a day, that’s just how effective they are. An easy way to counteract this is by planning to attend every single one, so when you miss one, you’ll feel like all of your stress is your fault for not seeking enough help.
2) Tell your parents how it’s REALLY going
This is a big one for me. I make sure to talk with my parents each and every week, I have to lie to them to make sure they don’t get angry about my steady decline into anxiety from losing all passion for my major and subsequent future. So why not just come clean, and bear the wrath of hearing about how you’re a disappointment who won't make any money?
3) Follow all of your exes on social media
Why are they all living better lives after they left me? Am I right for anyone? How am I ever going to find my soulmate if I’m single?
4) Prepare to jump out of a plane
Will Smith once said that the most stressful part about skydiving was everything up until the actual jump. So just do that part.
5) Inject Cortisol into your veins
Cortisol is the chemical that causes stress so I would imagine it would do the trick. Bonus points if you hate needles (pun intended!).
6) Come up with eight whole ways to re-stress instead of some more reasonable number, like two or three
I think after just one, I’m already stressed again, so what’s the point in doing more than that? I’m pretty sure they don’t lose their effectiveness upon multiple uses.
7) Idk, dangle your phone over a drain
A bad idea that can only have a negative outcome sounds pretty good for stress. Maybe if you’re afraid of clowns you can pretend you’re in IT or something? The kids in that movie did a lot of screaming, so they were probably stressed a lot.
8) Realise that if you ever did drop out because you hate your major, and if you’re probably going to have to take more than four years to graduate, you won’t be able to fall back into comedy writing because this whole article was pretty depressing and barely funny
This one's pretty specific, but I feel like it's the most effective way to stress yourself out. The realization encompasses a pretty long and very important portion of your life, so that mix of guilt and shame is guaranteed to get you stressin'!
Anyway, I’ve been guest BUTT columnist Tess Reer, and I think I need a new therapist!