Ahh, internship season… or should I say internsimp season. Late winter is that magical time of year when those ambitious, procrastination prone students scramble to figure out what they’ll be doing for the summer. If you’re a semester late to the game, you need to get creative. Here are my Binghamton SOM Official Business Student tips on how to woo those recruiters before the flowers start to bloom.
Don’t
Find out what the company makes money doing
Do
Go on a twitter rant exposing the fake meat industry while actively looking for a fake meat industry job. You can be the first muckraking executive.
Don’t
Add details to your profile that show how you can add value to the company
Do
Add every social media you’ve ever had to your bio. If they want to make the time to scroll through your embarrassing tiktoks and public finsta, they will. You should make it easy for them to find reasons you’re a dumbass, like satire articles in an anus newspaper. They'll get a good idea of the person you really are, and that will make them love you all the more for it.
Don’t
Ask what positions they have open
Do
Ask what positions they are open to… and send in pictures of your body parts along with your resume, particularly the phalluses. Even if they don’t give you the job, Deloitte is known for sending unwanted dick pics out to the industry. You might not get the job, but you can expect that your LinkedIn DMs will be flooded with "potential connections" (;
Don’t
Ask alumni about their experience at Bing
Do
Ask alumni if they ever experienced pissing green after Parade Day. While some may recommend you to a doctor, the real ones will be happily suprised to finally have found someone to relate to on such a personal level.
Don’t
Ask them if they have any advice on how to get the job
Do Ask them if it’s all worth it. The job. The life. The hustle. Employers love it when you get overly existential, though it does somewhat cut into your productivity.
Remember, you’re reading the BUTT. Question Everything