The BUTT Returns
Well folks, we’re finally here.
At the end of a hiatus nobody knew would happen, and the proud launching of a website that probably should have been done earlier in the summer, the Binghamton University Times Tribune is back to posting!
The Binghamton Fall 2020 semester has begun! We’ve got more content opportunities and wells of news to fill our satire buckets, now that everyone is back and taking courses on and off campus... until a second wave when we’ll all be back online!
Our new e-board was selected at the end of last semester, and we’d like to introduce ourselves in this soft re-launch of Binghamton University’s one and only satirical news source and comedy newsletter.
Tristan Awayan - President:
Hey all, I’m a junior majoring in Computer Science, and deep apologies - especially to our incumbent general board - for dropping the ball. I ran for president of this club because I wanted to do satire, and over the summer there was potential for writing and administrative club responsibilities that I just couldn’t bring myself to do because of honest-to-god laziness and - if I must be vulnerable here - fear. I worked my masked ass off at a local Dunkin’ Donuts, lost money in the stock market, and became hardstuck Gold in Valorant after dozens of hours of grinding, all to distract myself from the constant stream of bad news and avoid my self doubt in leading something as societally impactful as a college satire blog. That being said, I’ve gotten more used to... everything going on nowadays, and genuinely miss the fun that goes into writing BUTT stuff. Excited to start again!
Nick Monastero - Vice President:
It is good to be back. After spending this summer stuck in the biggest hole of my life, I've emerged a ready, more satirical man with significantly longer hair. Do I regret my time excavating a 15 foot deep hole in my backyard for several months? I’ll agree, it’s kind of a strong word. The word “excavating” that is; I only had a shovel, not an industrial digging machine. The regret is actually very real unfortunately. All consuming too. I don’t even have anything to show for it; I hit a water line and had to fill the whole hole up again anyway. What a waste.
Oh, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s my semicolon quota for the day. But enough about my pretentious ass, The BUTT is back!
Max Lieber - Treasurer:
Look at me. I'm a sophomore, and I'm already in charge of the BUTT's treasury. This is why the sharks survive and the fish die in a school like Binghamton. I'll be downtown in my renovated frathouse, counting up BUTT appropriated funds while all you freshies will be pounding on my door, asking for my state-of-the-art, Decker certified vaccine. Guess what?
No mask, no entry.
Alex Weiner - Secretary:
Well shit, I somehow made my way out of quarantine and a painfully boring 4 hour drive to what’s essentially another quarantine…. But on campus! Over the summer I did some pretty exciting stuff all things considered, like watching paint dry, debated with myself for about a week if I should change my major (still haven’t decided), seeing people fight about the politics behind wearing a mask from my car, I went to a restaurant, and lost nearly all sense of what it’s like to interact with another person.
If I learned anything from this time in quarantine, it’s that all things are meaningless, and the only way to fill the void is satire. And since things seem to be reopening (for now) it’s time for us to get off our asses and write some long awaited, well deserved, and much needed satire. We may have been away for a bit, but it’s time to bring the BUTT back together!
The president’s currently working to streamline the club's branding, fill out the website archive, shave off some of the rough edges, and learn some new buzzwords to make the BUTT at home in a proper news site. While he’s doing that, we’d like to not only have current writers fire up their engines, we’d also like some new blood to join our club. This soft relaunch article also contains a cordial, last minute invitation for anyone interested to join our brief Info Session tomorrow, September 4, 2020, at 6:00 PM in a Zoom Meeting!
Our goal this semester is to resume what we’ve done in the past, hopefully with more eyes on us with this new website, and more laughs shared among YOU, the readers!